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#1 Djehutis Wisdom

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Posted 17 February 2007 - 01:01 PM

So, I am writing something and I need a little feedback to see if the emotions I am trying to convey are being transmitted through my words. What I am writing is sort of science fiction-ey, mixed in with philosophical reasoning and subtle (I hope) historical references to make a fictional work. At the moment I have three main male characters and have introduced two and this is how I have chosen to introduce the third. This is about 6-7 chapters in so I am not expecting you to understand the reasons for it being like this, I am looking to understand how it makes you feel and I don't believe context is necessary for that (and mi nah wan gi weh too much). I would greatly appreciate feedback.

NOTE: These sentiments do not reflect the thoughts of the author, in case you feel I need some psychological help.



“Death sometimes floats along on the wind and gives someone a silent kiss. Sometimes it comes as a howling wind and tears at a victim’s heart without ever piercing their skin. Sometimes it even comes as an airstream, sharpened with death’s scythe in the hand of a messenger, a messenger with malicious intent. The only constant is death, the only true focus of life.




Did you forget that my friend, did you forget what you seek, what you lust after. You were the one who called for death and now it has found you. You are just surprised because it doesn’t want to kiss you. It want’s to tear you limb from limb. Don’t worry my friend; I won’t hold anything against you. I am but a messenger of death, here to deliver the tsunami that your karma has brought you. My intent is neither ill nor is it pleasant, it simply is. This is not my doing remember that but I will not lie, I take a certain pleasure in watching you fall. This is my greatest moment. Take solace in knowing you gave me something good today. I take such pleasure in this moment that I will etch these words in my memory, for when you pass they shall become your epitaph.”





“Life is an interaction between matter within empty space characterised by its manipulators’ will. Within life is love, a senseless vacuum. It only takes from you and warps your will. Your will becomes love’s will and your ability to reason goes out of the window. Love is the single greatest religion because in it you must have faith or you will never experience it. Have faith in love and it will drain you of your life, for who can truly say they are alive without a will. You will be left with the sedative that is faith, not even pain will you feel.



So here I am, a man in love. I have no life of my own because into your heart I breathed life, my life, all I had. But my life wasn’t good enough, love didn’t think so and so you left me, forsaken to loves lost squadron of cherubim, dancing in winds’ second string breeze awaiting new life and holding on to hope. Aren’t I a scene? I traded faith in love for hope in love and in all of this I cannot get rid of love. Don’t feel pity for me because you cannot kill me anyway. Every time you try you will be faced with the endlessness of my presence. You will be faced with the fact that you have my life. Every time you remove me I will come back and under the blue lead sky I will immerge, the image of the love you reject but will not let go.”



“Touché. You smile at me while you speak those words and you deserve to. I will not let your life go because you must suffer for what you have done. On this day I may not get to write your epitaph, but I will have your eyes. The beauty you say you cannot live without, you will never see again.”

If you read this you should give feedback, even if it's a one liner.

I was born with two ears and one mouth. One guess as to which should be used more.


#2 Djehutis Wisdom

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Posted 21 February 2007 - 02:08 AM

I see how onoo come read my ting and nah leave feedback. Onoo tink seh mi cyan see wen onoo ah look pon my thread. Next time yuh ah come roun'yah leave behin feedback.

BUMP!!!!
I was born with two ears and one mouth. One guess as to which should be used more.


#3 spirit

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Posted 21 February 2007 - 12:26 PM

QUOTE (Djehutis Wisdom @ Feb 21 2007, 02:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I see how onoo come read my ting and nah leave feedback. Onoo tink seh mi cyan see wen onoo ah look pon my thread. Next time yuh ah come roun'yah leave behin feedback.

BUMP!!!!


I am guilty as charged. Please accept my apologies! wink.gif

How poetic! I'm not sure I properly understand the overall piece (is it that one character is on their way out whilst another is entering - I got the sense that the 'messenger' was in a sense part of the receiver as if they could be two parts of the same being - then again maybe thats just in my head (but I must admit my one beef is that maybe due to a lack of context, I found it a bit confusing). I did focus on the emotion in the piece and felt it was particularly strong in paragraphs 2, 3 and 4.

I loved this piece in particular:

"Did you forget that my friend, did you forget what you seek, what you lust after. You were the one who called for death and now it has found you. You are just surprised because it doesn’t want to kiss you. It want’s to tear you limb from limb. Don’t worry my friend; I won’t hold anything against you. I am but a messenger of death, here to deliver the tsunami that your karma has brought you. My intent is neither ill nor is it pleasant, it simply is." clap.gif

This bit really gripped me, I liked the way he got what he asked for and then when it came it was not what he expected. Life is like that, isn't it. Especially when you are a child, but I think relationships, (particularly male/female) can be like that as well.

Literary criticism is not my strong point, so I hope you understand my limited feedback and why I ran from it when I first read it. I thought it would do my head in, trying to concentrate on yor piece but although I had to read some parts over a few times (and my one criticism is that , I did enjoy reading it and would like to read the completed piece when it's done. It's a long time since I've read fiction, but your piece reminds me of what I'm missing! clap.gif
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#4 Djehutis Wisdom

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Posted 21 February 2007 - 02:31 PM

Thank you spirit for your reply.

I purposely only put a small fraction from the middle of the story simply because I cannot ensure that my work will be safe from theft on the boards. There are many people who are members but do not post so I don't want to trust all of my work at the moment to the board.

I am about 5 chapters in and as I said there are three main characters, all male, this was to introduce the third male character. It is simply an interaction between two people which acts as a sort of look in the past. The present looks at what happens to the male character and his link to the other two male characters. I admit this is quite vague but again, I am worried about theft.

I am trying to use my knowledge of our history to create a fictional work that reflects my love of all things philosophical so I have my work cut out for me, plus the fact that I am not really a writer so I need to ask for feedback.

You gave me exactly what I needed. I needed to know that it made people feel, that it caused an emotive response in those who read it. I was looking to make the passage dark but beautiful, to create a new sort of emotion which which encompasses The principle of polarity:

"Everything is dual; everything has poles; everything has it's pair of opposites; like and unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes meet; all truths are but half-truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled"


I wanted it to be dark and ugly but at the same time light and beautiful. I hope that is what I managed to achieve.

As I am sure you can tell, another oposite exists within the passage, He loves her, she hates him. They are male and female. The whole point was to introduce a past between the two that is shrouded in mystery at the same time as enforcing the principle of polarity. It should leave the reader feeling but not anything extreme, something more balanced. As the reader is reading a text with polar opposites, the emotion should be balanced, not positive and not negative. that is what I am looking to do.

You could help me by telling me whether or not it comes across in this way.

I thank you for your feedback and am extremely greatful. I will be posting the next little bit once finished (should be by the weekend) and hope to hear your feedback on that as well. May the benevolence, blessing and grace of the All be showered upon you.

Htp
I was born with two ears and one mouth. One guess as to which should be used more.


#5 Voo

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Posted 22 February 2007 - 12:09 AM

DW

Lol!

Unfortunately, I'm just making a flying visit today but I was very intrigued by the excerpts you've written.

QUOTE
“Touché. You smile at me while you speak those words and you deserve to. I will not let your life go because you must suffer for what you have done. On this day I may not get to write your epitaph, but I will have your eyes. The beauty you say you cannot live without, you will never see again.”
Damn - This sounds so sinister! It really raised my curiousity about what you're writing (I will be expecting by preview copy in the post when you've finished!)

QUOTE
Did you forget that my friend, did you forget what you seek, what you lust after. You were the one who called for death and now it has found you. You are just surprised because it doesn’t want to kiss you. It want’s to tear you limb from limb. Don’t worry my friend; I won’t hold anything against you. I am but a messenger of death, here to deliver the tsunami that your karma has brought you. My intent is neither ill nor is it pleasant, it simply is. This is not my doing remember that but I will not lie, I take a certain pleasure in watching you fall. This is my greatest moment. Take solace in knowing you gave me something good today. I take such pleasure in this moment that I will etch these words in my memory, for when you pass they shall become your epitaph.”


I understand the notion that things in life happen because they have to and not because they are necessarily right or wrong. It's something that immature Western thought processses can not deal with very well which is why you have Uropians saying things like "I don't believe in God because if God existed, why would he let XXXX person/ people die". The notion that sometimes things have to happen is not something that you take in isolation though because it directly connects with the idea that everything in the world in connected by One and a change in any single factor (Butterfly flying) can have a chain of events leading to another ultimately dependent factor (The earthquake). Anyhow, I'm probably waffling a bit due to the extreme tiredness but I hope you get my drift.

Again, the emotional response to this is that there is a sinister undertone to this passage. It also feels like the character is a personification of a concept rather than your average human being.


Will try and give more feedback later... Got a few more posts to do then back to work!



P.S. If you're into Sci-Fi, you shoudl be reading this month's Ligali book choice: http://www.ligali.or...amp;#entry28369
"To kill a woman is to kill humanity itself"

#6 Djehutis Wisdom

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Posted 22 February 2007 - 01:20 AM

QUOTE (Voo @ Feb 22 2007, 12:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
DW

Lol!

Unfortunately, I'm just making a flying visit today but I was very intrigued by the excerpts you've written.

Damn - This sounds so sinister! It really raised my curiousity about what you're writing (I will be expecting by preview copy in the post when you've finished!)



I understand the notion that things in life happen because they have to and not because they are necessarily right or wrong. It's something that immature Western thought processses can not deal with very well which is why you have Uropians saying things like "I don't believe in God because if God existed, why would he let XXXX person/ people die". The notion that sometimes things have to happen is not something that you take in isolation though because it directly connects with the idea that everything in the world in connected by One and a change in any single factor (Butterfly flying) can have a chain of events leading to another ultimately dependent factor (The earthquake). Anyhow, I'm probably waffling a bit due to the extreme tiredness but I hope you get my drift.

Again, the emotional response to this is that there is a sinister undertone to this passage. It also feels like the character is a personification of a concept rather than your average human being.


Will try and give more feedback later... Got a few more posts to do then back to work!



P.S. If you're into Sci-Fi, you shoudl be reading this month's Ligali book choice: http://www.ligali.or...amp;#entry28369


A human is but a series of concepts trapped in a shell and differentiated by it's level of rationality. You are right he is more of a concept as are the rest of my characters but I plan to work on adding more humanity to them. However that is a difficult task when I am trying to add in complex philosophical thought. I need to add more regular rationality to make the humanity of the characters more accessable.

I also have a plan to incorporate my basic knowledge of spirituality.

And I am writing piano music to incorporate into it but because i taught myself to play, I can play like a grade 7-8 player but I cannot write music scores. I may have to get someone else to write it all out.

It is quite dark but as i said in an earlier post, it is supposed to also have a beautiful element to it. When next you are here, could you tell me if i pulled that off.

I am definitely into sci fi but am currently in the middle of a ten book reading list

I will try and bump it up the list

Your analysis of western thinking is spot on and it is why they have serious trouble understanding anything that they cannot control or as they call it "prove".

I am posting extremely quickly too. But I will say thank you for your response and I hope to speak to you soon sis. Both you and Toyin will definitely be recieving advanced copies as soon as i am done with it. I will be finished by the end of the summer if I write a bit every day so you should hope to see something that gives you a bit more context soon.

Hotep
I was born with two ears and one mouth. One guess as to which should be used more.


#7 Djehutis Wisdom

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Posted 08 May 2007 - 12:27 PM

Here's an addition that's been sitting around my house for a while now. Need some feedback on this. What do y'all understand by this?

Sorting Through The Sadness



As I sorted through my sadness, listening for sounds in the darkness of my mind I found nothing surprising except for a loyal friend. Realisation comes to you at the oddest of times. Mine came to me when I had no eyes to see. I now know your eyes are the most likely to hinder your ability to see. In my life I have never known how to be with another properly. A playful touch here and there and some witty repartee are easy to do, so much so that I did it but I was never there. In the distance I watched myself with others, “friends”, none of whom understood me, none of whom cared to understand. I spoke in the first and watched in the third, my body could never contain me.

I sat and wondered one day, are those I call friends willing to do for me what I would do for them and no matter how much I tried I always find a no, followed by sadness, then loneliness, then the dark. I sorted through the darkness day in and day out for the better part of fifty years and all that grew in me was hatred and contempt for those who never understood, never wanted to understand, probably couldn’t if they tried. Disgust for the mundane meant disgust for the learned base senses of humanity as a whole. I descended within myself to escape and ended up in a state of “madness”. In your mind, when there is only your mind, you can live a lifetime in a day, your imagination is your creative licence; there is no pain if you don’t want there to be. I often wondered if that was how the creator felt, to be able to do as you please, with no restriction, your imagination is the key. What I found to be liberation others saw as madness. Apparently the whole time I was in there, in my mind, my body was running around holding my head screaming “my end is near, the end is near, aren’t they the same thing?” The voice of the selfish remains in the body, the voice of the creator remains in the soul.

Speaking from experience, the only friend that is always there, the only constant, is the sadness, even the happiest person can count on it to always return. My sadness has been my only friend and for most people this is also true. In those times where you just have to sort through it, the time it takes to just think brings you the most clarity in life and tell me what friend can say they do that for you. I can say that because for the longest time I have sorted through my sadness. I know my friend well.
I was born with two ears and one mouth. One guess as to which should be used more.


#8 Djehutis Wisdom

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Posted 17 June 2007 - 08:39 PM

When y'all get around to it, I would still like to get some feedback.


Twilight



When I met her, her smile was twilight

It was light, it was dark

Happiness it's shell, sadness it's hub

All contradictions were reconciled,

It was perfect



I remember what I said to her that day

I love you but don't fault me for it

Your smile is twilight

Where night and day meet, where perfection lingers

That is your smile's birthplace, that's its home

I love you because I know you already

We met once before in the twilight

There, where words mean nothing and everything

Where perfection is, so is forgotten

You parted your lips for just a second

A million words of beauty flooded my ears

I don't expect you to remember me

I don't remember all of your words

I do remember at the end there was a promise

You said if I closed my eyes at any time

Your smile would be waiting with outstretched arms

Be careful what you promise a love struck man

I might just close my eyes for eternity



When I met her, her smile was twilight

I spoke to her with her cheek in my palm

Her locks gently caressed the back of my hand

My being was joined with hers

She was twilight


I was born with two ears and one mouth. One guess as to which should be used more.


#9 Maat

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Posted 04 September 2008 - 09:44 PM

Hey Djehutis,

Are you still looking for feedback? I know you added this last year but if you don't mind I'd like to take my time and give it some attention before I feedback with my thoughts.

I'm hoping that you're still writing though and if so how is it going since your last post? I've been struggling with how my work will be recieved so completley overstand where you're coming from when you ask for thoughts on it. I'll be back soon ok:)


#10 Maat

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Posted 13 September 2008 - 08:02 PM

“Death sometimes floats along on the wind and gives someone a silent kiss. Sometimes it comes as a howling wind and tears at a victim’s heart without ever piercing their skin. Sometimes it even comes as an airstream, sharpened with death’s scythe in the hand of a messenger, a messenger with malicious intent. The only constant is death, the only true focus of life.

Did you forget that my friend, did you forget what you seek, what you lust after. You were the one who called for death and now it has found you. You are just surprised because it doesn’t want to kiss you. It want’s to tear you limb from limb. Don’t worry my friend; I won’t hold anything against you. I am but a messenger of death, here to deliver the tsunami that your karma has brought you. My intent is neither ill nor is it pleasant, it simply is. This is not my doing remember that but I will not lie, I take a certain pleasure in watching you fall. This is my greatest moment. Take solace in knowing you gave me something good today. I take such pleasure in this moment that I will etch these words in my memory, for when you pass they shall become your epitaph.”

Love the way this is written. I don’t usually interpret poetry so wasn’t sure if I’d get it. What draws me is that the vocabulary creates a picture that makes me want to know who the messenger is talking to. Also the messenger sounds a little disagreeable as I guess death can be seen, and I agree with spirit about the last part here especially this “My intent is neither ill nor is it pleasant, it simply is”.

“Life is an interaction between matter within empty space characterised by its manipulators’ will. Within life is love, a senseless vacuum. It only takes from you and warps your will. Your will becomes love’s will and your ability to reason goes out of the window. Love is the single greatest religion because in it you must have faith or you will never experience it. Have faith in love and it will drain you of your life, for who can truly say they are alive without a will. You will be left with the sedative that is faith, not even pain will you feel.

As sinister as it comes across at first I think there’s truth in this. I like the way the words seem to dance but not in a straight line so you have to think about it properly. I wasn’t sure what part I agreed with more.

So here I am, a man in love. I have no life of my own because into your heart I breathed life, my life, all I had. But my life wasn’t good enough, love didn’t think so and so you left me, forsaken to loves lost squadron of cherubim, dancing in winds’ second string breeze awaiting new life and holding on to hope. Aren’t I a scene? I traded faith in love for hope in love and in all of this I cannot get rid of love. Don’t feel pity for me because you cannot kill me anyway. Every time you try you will be faced with the endlessness of my presence. You will be faced with the fact that you have my life. Every time you remove me I will come back and under the blue lead sky I will immerge, the image of the love you reject but will not let go.”

I’m wondering if this is the same character from the piece above. Sounds like he’s recovering from a broken heart aaahhh. Did he get to tell her how he felt (if he’s referring to a woman that is ).

“Touché. You smile at me while you speak those words and you deserve to. I will not let your life go because you must suffer for what you have done. On this day I may not get to write your epitaph, but I will have your eyes. The beauty you say you cannot live without, you will never see again.”

Ahh man how you stop at that piece. What happens next??…I’m really curious now!

If you read this you should give feedback, even if it's a one liner.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted it to be dark and ugly but at the same time light and beautiful. I hope that is what I managed to achieve.
Definitely did that for me. The way the words mixed and danced together, so too did the meanings behind them. The one that had me feeling the pull back to the balance was this, “Life is an interaction between matter within empty space characterised by its manipulators’ will. Within life is love, a senseless vacuum. It only takes from you and warps your will. Your will becomes love’s will and your ability to reason goes out of the window. Love is the single greatest religion because in it you must have faith or you will never experience it. Have faith in love and it will drain you of your life, for who can truly say they are alive without a will. You will be left with the sedative that is faith, not even pain will you feel

As I am sure you can tell, another oposite exists within the passage, He loves her, she hates him. They are male and female. The whole point was to introduce a past between the two that is shrouded in mystery at the same time as enforcing the principle of polarity. It should leave the reader feeling but not anything extreme, something more balanced. As the reader is reading a text with polar opposites, the emotion should be balanced, not positive and not negative. that is what I am looking to do.

You could help me by telling me whether or not it comes across in this way. Yes your mission has been successful!


@Voo: "Again, the emotional response to this is that there is a sinister undertone to this passage. It also feels like the character is a personification of a concept rather than your average human being."

Exactly. I wasn’t too sure about whether the messenger was a who or a what. If it’s the woman she’s dangerous!
--------------------------------------------------------------

Sorting through the sadness

This one is so sad – excuse the pun - but the emotion also came across and I like the way you progressed the story and the thoughts of the person telling it. You’re good at this style of writing too and this one actually sounds a bit more poetic (as I would see it) than the other for some reason.

I hear you about not wanting anyone to take your material, but if there’s a way to see your work when it’s ready let us know. You are a talented writer and I look forward to hearing about your progress. Keep it up.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight

Had me speechless. What lyrics ohmy.gif Very poetic. Have you ever used them before wink.gif ?

Ok I think I'm done but thanks for sharing. I enjoyed my reads and anticipate more sneek previews clap.gif





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