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Desperate measures to start a family


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#1 NubianQ

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Posted 19 June 2007 - 10:08 PM


[color=#DDA0DD]Hi guys I would like your constructive advice on the following issue ph34r.gif

Edited by NubianQ, 20 June 2007 - 07:12 PM.


#2 NubianQ

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Posted 20 June 2007 - 06:35 PM

blink.gif I see people are viweing but not giving advice! Why?

#3 PantherWoman

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Posted 20 June 2007 - 07:41 PM

QUOTE (NubianQ @ Jun 19 2007, 11:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi guys I would like your constructive advice on the following issue

I'm a single woman who is not in a relationship at the moment, however I really want and NEED to start having children sooner rather than later as I have a disease called Perthes or at my age it's called a legacy of Perthes, this disease affects my left hip bone and as years have passed, it has started to affect my back and the whole of my left leg and therefore my mobility, in the sense I cant walk for too long before my leg aches and I start to limp and become tired. I have seen a consultant who aside from planning treatment has advised me to start my family a.s.a.p as at some stage I will have to (I cant bear thinking about it) have a hip replacement.

Now, due to my current single status, I have started to think about seeking an ex lover who I really cared about and ask him what he thought about impregnating me! I would not expect him to be involved in the upbringing of the baby, and I feel devastated to even have to be thinking along these lines as I am naturally ready and yearning for my own family which involves marriage, but I feel I have to be practical and proactive about my options, sadly this I feel is an option which I'm considering, because If I wait until divine intervention provides me with my Nubian husband, my leg may have deteriorated so bad that I may be unable to carry my children.

My question to the Ligali family is - Do you feel this proposal to an ex is out of order? Bearing in mind I have not seen him in 2 years and don’t know whether he is settled or even in a position to want to help!

For those who want to know more about Perthes:
http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/27000664/


Hi NubianQ

Sorry to hear about your condition, that can't be a nice predicament to be in. The only person who can tell you whether this proposal is out of order or not is the person you are intending to put it to. Other people can have their opinions but their opinions don't really matter when it comes down to it. I don't think I would try to have a child by any means necessary but that is just my own personal feeling - which I admit might change if I were to actually find out that I couldn't conceive naturally. I couldn't see myself going through endless rounds of IVF treatment or going to a sperm bank if I found I couldn't have children naturally within a secure and loving relationship where we were both strongly committed to the relationship (preferably legally married) and both wanted a child. I could not see myself voluntarily becoming a single parent, because I think it would be too much for me alone to handle. But then it's my belief that not everyone is destined to have children, whether they like it or not. Some people will never have their own children, that's the sad truth.

You don't mention a specific time limit, but are you that sure you don't still have time to meet someone and have a child the 'normal' way before your illness prevents you being able to carry a child? Another thing that occurs to me is, have you thought about the effect on any child that you have, if this guy does agree to impregnate you but wants nothing to do with the child?

I really feel for you as you obviously really want to be a mother asap, and it must be hard to be having to deal with this news from the consultant. However, it wouldn't be a good idea to become too obsessed (easy enough for me to say not being in your shoes I know) and it might even be wise to start looking into other options, because contacting this guy might not yield the results you are hoping for.

You may want to try to put more effort into meeting someone new who is also ready to start a family, as my feeling is that this might be a better way of getting what you want, rather than approaching an ex that you haven't kept in touch with, just to make a request like this. It is a big 'favour' to do for someone, even if you do still care about the person. If he doesn't respond favourably (for whatever reason) you are bound to feel worse than you do now, especially if you have pinned all your hopes on this.

I wish you all the very best and hope that you do meet someone new, rather than feel you have to take this unusual course of action. Good luck.

#4 The Freelance Scientist

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Posted 23 June 2007 - 12:16 AM

QUOTE (NubianQ @ Jun 20 2007, 07:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
blink.gif I see people are viweing but not giving advice! Why?



I think you should do as you feel. As long as you tell your ex about your intentions, I can't see nothing wrong with what you are doing. At the end of the day, many people are given the gift of children but they simply misuse it and are not grateful. You just have to do what's best for you and if you feel you have it in you to make a wonderful parent and mom, then do it. If your ex-man or any man is happy with the arrangement, then go for it! smile.gif

Edited by The Freelance Scientist, 23 June 2007 - 12:16 AM.

[i]The Freelance Scientist: He Is The Eternal Student.

#5 Djehutis Wisdom

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Posted 23 June 2007 - 12:37 PM

QUOTE (NubianQ @ Jun 20 2007, 07:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
blink.gif I see people are viweing but not giving advice! Why?



It just sometimes happens that people don't know what to say, sometimes they just may want to think so that they give better advice and sometimes they're just busy, at least that's the case with me.

I don't really know what to say for this one and have been watching for days thinking about it. Thinking about you I understand, or better I am sympathetic to your current plight and see how you could want to do this but in cases like this that I have seen I always think about the child. Have you thought about what you would tell the child when it (sorry with no gender I have no other way of addressing the child) reaches an certain age and wants to know who it's father is. Have you thought about the ramifications of raising a child without the father there, especially if it's a boy. This is assuming that your ex allows this to take place. This is a really sensitive issue and unfortunatly it's going to take some reconciliation of balance between your needs and those of the child you hope to conceive, something I don't think you can get help with.

I just wish you all the blessings and benevolence of the creator that you can recieve in this time of need.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do sistren.

Hotep.
I was born with two ears and one mouth. One guess as to which should be used more.


#6 NubianQ

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Posted 24 June 2007 - 09:32 PM

rolleyes.gif Thank you all for adding your kind words and opinions. I understand this is a situation that only I can know the right action to take and the option I asked you all to consider is one I think about when I get slightly desperate and scared about my future and my yearning for children.

Panther Woman your completely right, when you asked about time factors, and yes I do still have time to met someone in the conventional way, leading to marriage and children or children then marriage. As you said the prospects of becoming a single mother is not what I pray for my future and at the moment I feel very positive about my future in terms of my situation and hope I can continue looking on the positive side. Freelance Scientist and Djehutis Wisdom, I also thank you both for taking the time to read and ponder over my situation and contributing your kind words and encouragement . Thank you all very much
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